In the blink of an eye, only two months remain in 2012. Looking back at the circumstances of this year, it feels like a prelude to my zodiac year.

None of the plans I had for life, work, or study were fully realized. “Reduced to a passing pet, cats and dogs understand my misery” is an accurate portrayal, which is why I hysterically vented at a class reunion a few days ago. A life without plans is unscientific. The rough rhythm of life and the drifting use of time have made my already uneasy mood even more negative and painful. The small amount of optimism I had has been continuously eroded by dark thoughts and doubts, leaving only a CCTV-style happiness.

Day after day, the same routine, the increasingly fearful faces of colleagues, the constant pressure of life, inexplicable worries and frustrations—“I wonder why I was even born.”

In a few days, it will be the anniversary of my father’s death. Life without my father is extremely oppressive and directionless. The future remains shrouded in uncertainty. My father lived a life of diligence and hard work, yet he passed away young, leaving behind countless sighs and regrets.

My father’s experiences have made me a complete pessimist, with no expectations or hopes, just silently moving forward. It’s like a pool of stagnant water, unable to create any ripples.

I am not prepared for anything, on any level. The boat drifts wherever it goes, with no knowledge of the map or the reefs.

As for love, I am equally unprepared. I don’t know how to proceed, what is needed, or what is not. I no longer understand the meaning of love, nor do I know what kind of future I am looking forward to.

The issue of marriage is even more complicated. Questions from relatives and friends make me extremely irritable, with an immediate urge to smash the phone.

Answering the phone is something I deeply dislike. The sound of a ringing phone annoys me, no matter who it is or when it happens. Unless I initiate contact, receiving messages or news always makes me extremely restless, and I don’t want to deal with it.

What on earth is going on?