The first time I encountered CS was 10 years ago, during a summer at my cousin’s house. Watching him with his glasses on, staring at a 15-inch CRT monitor, navigating through the pipes of de_prodigy while battling bots, I thought the game was pretty cool. After that, I found ways to play it at internet cafes, and it became an addiction.

I started playing CS extensively around 2004 and 2005, during my second and third years of high school. I often snuck out with classmates to play LAN games at internet cafes all night. Later, in college, with no academic pressure to speak of, I played even more. After graduation, during my leisure time at work, the habit continued.

It’s hard to calculate how much of my youth I’ve spent on this game, but a rough estimate would be over 20,000 hours.

If you ask what benefits this game has brought me, upon reflection, it seems like none. “Competitive gaming” has always been a self-comforting facade, as I’ve never participated in any official tournaments. Moreover, the varying gaming environments meant my skills never improved consistently; it was always just casual play.

If in the past I could often turn the tide in skirmishes or occasionally in amateur team matches, now when I play CS, it feels like the twilight years of a warrior.

0:N has become the norm now, and facing the younger generation, I can only sigh: my gaming days are over!

Today, I received a message that left me unsure whether to feel sad or despondent:

There is one person, indeed, who cares for you silently, loves you but will no longer get close to you.

Life is full of disappointments, and all I can do is wish everyone well!

In 2012, there are still many things I haven’t started, many responsibilities waiting for me to shoulder, and many goals I need to strive for and achieve.

A very clear feeling is that over the years, I’ve put too much pressure on myself:

Whenever I want to do task A, I can’t help but think of the more important task B waiting for me. And when I turn to task B, I still find the more pressing task C unfinished. Entangled under various pressures every day, the result is that I don’t want to do anything and instead spend time playing CS. Behind the wasted time is further emptiness and hesitation in the face of various pressures.

I know it’s hard to handle the pressures I’ve imposed on myself, and over time, these pressures seem to have deeply rooted in my heart. If in my early years I had many grand ideals and ambitions, now all that’s left are countless empty fantasies struggling for survival in my immediate environment.

Yesterday, I received a long list of books to read. I know if I don’t read these books now, I might never get the chance again. My current situation might still allow for some self-cultivation, but once my age increases, many things I want to do will truly become impossible in this lifetime.

My journey with CS is a reactionary history of “ignorance is strength,” having killed countless opportunities for redemption, imprisoned countless innovative thoughts, and consumed the most precious time of my youth.

Today, countless regrets and remorse flood my heart, but it’s all irreparable and irretrievable.

As the calendar pages turn, the sloppy past will inevitably become history. Although the future is unpredictable, I only hope to have more time to engage in what is commonly known as “meaningful” activities, rather than continuing the tragic, depressing, and boring saga of the past.

Many familiar names have left no impression on me, such as the extremely radical work “How the Steel Was Tempered.” Perhaps I will never touch such political books again in my lifetime, but there’s a lesson from the Great Leap Forward that needs to be remembered: steel is not something you can just decide to temper and succeed at.