I’ve collected many quotes about law, purely for some entertainment during the judicial exam preparation. It turns out that the field of “law” is actually quite fun and not as dry as some people think, although the differences between teachers can be quite significant.
Whether it’s a chicken or a duck, it’s all prostitution~
No one ever sleeps in my class~ If you sleep in my class, it just means you really need to sleep~
(A migrant worker attempts to rape a woman) The woman tells him, “I can’t have sex with you because I’m afraid of getting pregnant, but I can’t let you come for nothing, so you can just touch me.” The migrant worker says, “Okay.”
Control is a unique creation of our country, but this creation has never been imitated by other countries, which raises questions~
In the case of criminal suspension, it’s rare for someone to abandon a crime because they feel sorry for the people or the party~
In the past, workers had a very high status. When I asked someone where they worked and they said “Jiangnan Shipyard,” I would look up to them. Now, if someone says they work at Jiangnan Shipyard, my first thought is that they might be laid off~
Taking attendance in class is my tool for determining guilt and sentencing at the end of the semester.
Our country’s criminal procedure is a linear structure: the public security bureau is the first workshop, responsible for arresting people; the procuratorate is the second workshop; the court is the production workshop, producing convicts; convicts who can’t be killed are stored in the warehouse—prison; after some time, they are released back into the market.
Therefore, judges should have a doctorate, prosecutors a master’s degree, lawyers a bachelor’s degree, and defendants should ideally be illiterate—this is the ideal model.
There are two types of faces in the public security bureau, easy to recognize. One is extremely dark, like Bao Zheng; the other is extremely white, like the White Snake. The white ones are interrogators, who never see sunlight, working in basements or bomb shelters; the black ones are traffic police.
As a teacher, if you buy a bad watch, it can easily lead to a teaching accident.
On the streets of America, people like us are easily recognized as coming from the third world—we’re so thin.
Outsiders love to watch the excitement, hoping that the prosecution and defense will fight in court, or even better, someone pulls out a gun and shoots. “Wow, exciting! Instant justice.”
Poor people climb stairs outside, rich people climb stairs at home—in their duplexes; poor people ride bicycles outside, rich people ride bicycles at home.
Getting married is a mistake, having children is a misstep, getting divorced is enlightenment, remarrying is delusion, and staying single is great wisdom.
If you never have children, colleagues will always ask, “When are you having kids? Do you need any help?”
Why is there only a crime of abducting and selling women and children, but not a crime of abducting and selling men? Is abducting men a natural right?
The first-instance court is absolutely correct in basing its decisions on facts, and the second-instance court is also correct in basing its decisions on the law.
A boy really liked a female classmate but never expressed his feelings, neither explicitly nor implicitly. After taking a civil law class, he finally understood: “To form a contract, there must be an expression of intent!” So he said to the girl, “Will you wash my clothes for the rest of my life?” The girl agreed. Later, the girl went with someone else, and the boy pulled out the contract he had signed, which said, “Wash my clothes for the rest of my life.” Should it be enforced? The first view is that the contract is invalid because it must reflect the true intent of the parties; the second view is that the contract is valid based on the expressed intent of the parties; the third view is that both parties’ intentions should be understood, and a supplementary agreement should be signed. The first represents the civil law system, the second the common law system, and the third the Chinese legal system.
An obstetrician asks, “Save the mother or the baby?” The husband says, “Save the baby.” Later, the doctor comes out and says, “Congratulations, both are saved!” The man says, “Congratulations? I wanted to take this chance to kill her to avoid future asset restructuring. Didn’t I tell you to save only one? I’m suing you for breach of contract!”
It’s better to steal a dog alone than to steal a cow together. Makes sense, right?
Besides violent coercion, there’s also gentle coercion. A girl says to a boy, “Go buy me food! If you don’t, I’ll ignore you!”
In the supermarket, put a six-dollar item into a one-dollar item’s box and check out. Have you tried it? I have, and it works!
People who don’t understand the law will be played to death by those who do.
I was declared dead, but now I’ve reappeared. I want my wife back, or at least to form a joint ownership.
Does a legal person have the right to life? No, so legal persons don’t care about their lives. Does a legal person have the right to肖像? No, so legal persons don’t care about their faces.
“Those big hotels throw away so much food every day, it’s fine if I eat a little.” The police officer thinks it makes sense, otherwise, if I arrest you, I’ll have to feed you.
There’s a factory called “China International Pacific Shoe Co., Ltd.” You go there and see a dozen old ladies from Huayang Street sewing shoe soles.
“How much for the bok choy?” “Fifty cents.” “Okay, let’s go sign an agricultural product sales contract.” “What? It’s only fifty cents, and a contract paper costs a dollar.” “Not only will I sign a contract, but I’ll also have it notarized at the district notary office.”
Prisoners at Tilanqiao Prison are masters of the enterprise during the day and enemies of the people at night. If the prison has a dispute with someone, and the court enforces a judgment, can the prison be auctioned off?
Pigs are the life of the armed police! They can do without guns and ammunition, but not without pigs! Their leader asked me what to do. I said, “You have guns, what are you afraid of?” He just laughed. I said, “Don’t worry, take a squad and surround the pigsty, put up a sign: ‘Military Zone, No Entry.’”
You can boldly skip a date because there are no specific civil rights and obligations involved—this has been proven by the civil law teacher.
I drink water and gain two pounds of weight. Is this the absolute or relative消灭 of water?—It’s absolute消灭! You can’t apply the law of conservation of energy here.
It’s okay to answer wrong; you remember mistakes better. Just like what you see while cheating during an exam, you remember it better.
“The court’s judgment in the Ma Jiajue case is clear in facts, with solid evidence, and the defendant confessed. As the defense lawyer, I have nothing more to say.” Then he sat down.
I took this student’s pen openly and peacefully. In senior year, you say, “Teacher Zhang, return my beloved pen.” I say, “What beloved pen? That’s my beloved pen.”
What to do if you can’t collect a debt? Smash a computer, then call the police yourself. When the police arrive, record: “Unable to collect debt, smashed computer.” Now you have evidence, right? So there’s skill in debt collection.
Usually, phone calls back and forth don’t leave evidence. Send a lawyer’s letter: “Currently owe 500,000, please confirm.” The other party replies: “We only owe 200,000, how did it become 500,000?” Now you have evidence, right? This is also a skill.
Someone falls into the river, and I stand by watching. These bubbles are big, huh? Why are they getting smaller?
An old lady stops my car and says, “Young man, you ran over my duck.” I say, “A duck? At most 100 yuan.” She says, “What 100 yuan? This duck laid 365 eggs last year, hatched 365 ducklings. This year, it will lay another 365 eggs. In ten years, a large duck farm will depend on it.”
I sue the public security bureau for administrative violation—they put my photo on a wanted poster without my consent.
I asked you to take 50 photos, but you took 100. I can demand you stop the infringement and return my肖像 to me.
To vent his anger, A hangs B’s photo in the toilet with a rope around its neck.
When going to work, the wife gives two yuan—one for going, one for returning—no air-conditioned buses allowed. On the way back, one yuan is lost. At home, the wife asks, “Why are you back so late?” Because one yuan was lost, I had to walk back. As a result, I was punished by kneeling on the floor—who told you to lose the one yuan?
Husband dies, no heir, widowed, uncle is strong.
Kneeling on both knees, tears streaming down, shaking his head helplessly, he opens his left hand, which reads: “Wife has the beauty of Diaochan.” He opens his right hand, which reads: “Father has the heart of Dong Zhuo.”
There are many ways to commit suicide, such as jumping into a clear pool or hanging oneself from a southeast branch.
The most important spirit of the State Compensation Law is—if you can avoid compensating, then don’t compensate.
In other countries, when a lawyer talks to a suspect, the police cannot be present; when the police talk to a suspect, the lawyer can be present. In China, when the police talk to a suspect, the lawyer cannot be present; when the lawyer talks to a suspect, the police can be present. This is our country’s protection of human rights, this is so-called Chinese characteristics!
Administrative enforcement by代履行 must be non-specific to the person. A mother, after her eldest daughter gave birth, said, “I’ll go to the hospital to get an IUD for you, keep having children, passing on the family line is important.” After her second daughter gave birth, the mother went again. After her eldest daughter-in-law gave birth, she went again. When her second daughter-in-law gave birth, the mother went again, and the doctor said, “No more, any more and it’ll be an Audi.”
“Those who study law are legal persons, those who study plants are plant persons.”
The constitution is not omnipotent, but not knowing criminal law is absolutely impermissible.
The constitution is not omnipotent, sometimes you need to use criminal law. The constitution tells you 1+1=2; criminal law, when you doubt this equation, holds a gun to your head and tells you, you know too much.
Exams are not about you looking at me and me looking at you, but about you and me looking at the exam paper together.
“We can’t just teach you to memorize by rote. If you all memorize by rote, we’ll have to wholesale back braces.”
Why is the national football team always so weak? Because they only studied a small part of criminal law—violence, money, and sex.
What law is the most powerful? The constitution? No. Criminal law? No. I tell you, it’s family law.
If you listen to the basic judicial exam training from Wan Guo but don’t take the考前冲刺, it’s like practicing the Eighteen Dragon-Subduing Palms but not the “Overbearing Dragon’s Regret”—what’s the point?
Treat the judicial exam like participating in Super Girl—only the toughest guys make it to the end.
If you give ancient Greeks and Romans each a computer, the Greeks would go online to study, cultivate themselves, and refine their tastes, while the Romans would only use it to visit porn sites.